Domestic Violence Myths

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "family matter."

• Violent assaults in the home are criminal acts. The potential for harm to children in the home and the possibility of injury or death to one or both parents should alert society to the dangers of ignoring domestic violence.

MYTH: Domestic violence is usually a one-time, isolated incident.

• Domestic violence is a systematic pattern of coercion and control exerted by the abuser over the victim. It is not just one physical attack; it is the repeated us of intimidation, threats, financial control, isolation, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse. The abuser incorporates various forms of abuse to maintain control over the victim.

MYTH: Domestic violence is an "anger problem."

• Domestic violence is not an anger problem, it is a learned behavior. Domestic violence abusers do not have an anger problem; they are experts at "anger management." Domestic violence abusers know when and how to control their outbursts and violence.

MYTH: Domestic violence affects only a small percentage of the population and only occurs in poor, uneducated, and minority populations.

• Domestic violence does not discriminate: it crosses all socio-economic classes, races, and levels of education.

MYTH: Religious beliefs and practices will prevent domestic violence.

• Not only will religion not prevent domestic violence, at times it actually supports an abuser's right to abuse his/her partner and enforces an abuser's or victim's belief in the sanctity of marriage. The good news is that many religious leaders now recognize the dynamics and dangers of domestic violence, and work to ensure the safety of those who seek their assistance.

MYTH: Alcohol and/or drug use/abuse causes domestic violence.

• Alcohol and drugs are excuses, not causes, of abuse. Not every abuser drinks alcohol or takes drugs, and not every alcoholic or substance abuser perpetrates acts of domestic violence. The co-dependency model used in drug and alcohol treatment programs is inappropriate in criminal justice settings because it shifts the focus onto the victim. Treatment for substance or alcohol abuse does not address the abuser's abusive behavior. Specific batterer intervention counseling is necessary to alter the chosen behavior pattern of domestic violence.

MYTH: Stress causes domestic violence.

• Everyone experiences stress. Domestic violence abusers make the choice to act with violence.

MYTH: Long-term abusive relationships are likely to change for the better.

• This is unlikely to happen without intensive professional intervention for the abuser. Violence in relationships tends to become more severe and more frequent over time and may eventually escalate into serious injury or death for one or both partners.

MYTH: Children need to be with both parents, even if one of them is abusive.

• Children model their behavior on their parents. Many children who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence are at a high risk to become abusive as adults.

MYTH: Survivors of domestic violence are masochistic and enjoy beatings.

• No one enjoys being beaten, abused, or humiliated.

MYTH: Survivors of domestic violence are "crazy."

• Domestic abuse victims are as sane as the rest of the population. They may feel as if they are going crazy because of impose isolation, low self-esteem, sleep deprivation, mental terrorism, extreme fear, and extended periods of crisis.

MYTH: Survivors of domestic violence should attempt to "calm down" abusers when abusers become angry or abusive.

• The abuser is responsible for his or her own reactions to anger; the abuser chooses to abuse. Attempting to placate an abuser may prove dangerous for the victim, if not impossible.

MYTH: By changing their own behavior, domestic violence victims can make the violence stop.

• Domestic violence victims are the victims, not the cause, of violence. There is nothing they can say, do, or change about themselves that will make their abusers cease the violence. Many victims of domestic violence begin to internalize responsibility for their abusers' actions as a result of constantly being blamed for the abuse.

• A person can provoke anger, but not violence. The perpetrator is responsible for his/her violent response. Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in other crimes. The victim's behavior may be unwise or unpleasant, but this does not mitigate the crime. All relationships include episodes of anger and tension, although most partners do not resort to violence or other criminal behavior as a response. The focus should remain on the characteristics, motives, and behavior of the domestic violence abuser, not the victim.

MYTH: Survivors of domestic violence can always leave home.

• Many survivors of domestic violence love their partners and do not want to leave. They want the violence to stop. Other survivors of domestic violence are unable to leave because of financial dependence, emotional or psychological reasons, or fear of what the abuser will do. This myth places responsibility for domestic violence on the victim rather than on the abuser. Rather than ask, "Why doesn't the victim leave," why not ask, "Why doesn't the abuser stop the violence or leave?"

MYTH: Once an abuse victim, always an abuse victim. Survivors of domestic violence will always seek partners with abusive traits.

• A survivor of domestic violence may be drawn to partners with traditional values and/or ideas concerning gender roles, but not all traditionalists are abusers. A survivor of domestic violence is capable of making healthy relationship choices.

• Most abusers are capable of self-control and can function in the outside world; they choose to manifest their stress, anger, or frustration through violence in the home.

MYTH: Domestic violence abusers are mentally ill.

• Studies have shown that the percentage of mentally ill abusers is no more than the percentage of mentally ill people in the general population (the national norm is approximately 3%).

MYTH: Domestic violence abusers are violent in all of their relationships.

• Domestic violence abusers are target-specific. They abuse those whom they feel a sense of entitlement to (i.e., partner or former partner, children).

MYTH: Domestic violence abusers are not "loving" partners.

• Domestic violence abusers are capable of being loving and caring at some times and not at others, just like everyone else. Abusers are likely to be particularly loving after a violent episode, during the "honeymoon" phase of the cycle of violence.

• Domestic violence is more likely to begin or escalate with marriage or the first pregnancy.

• Domestic violence is a learned behavior. Therefore, it is possible to change. However, only a small percentage of domestic violence abusers will successfully and permanently change their violent behavior. Without professional intervention, it is very probable that this "myth" is indeed a "fact."