Why Don't They Leave?

This is one of the most frequently asked questions about domestic violence. There are a number of reasons why victims may remain in abusive relationships, some of which are listed below:

Hope
Many victims love their abusive partners and hope things will improve. They may look back to the good parts of the relationship and wish things could "get back to the way they used to be." Abusers often treat their victims very well during the honeymoon phase following a violent episode, and this encourages a belief in the victims that things will improve.

Fear
Abusers often threaten to hurt or kill their victims if the victims leave or attempt to leave.

Shame
Many victims feel ashamed that they are in abusive situations, and can't bring themselves to ask for help.

Social Pressure
Our society places a high value on having a partner, and many victims believe it is better to have abusive partners than none at all. Well-meaning friends and family members may even discourage victims from leaving their abusers for this reason.

Low Self-Esteem
Victims in violent relationships often doubt themselves. They may blame themselves for their abusers' behavior, and the abusers generally reinforce this by constantly telling the victims it is all the victims' fault. The constant humiliation of the abuse eats away at the victims' self-confidence, and they may come to believe they are totally helpless.



In long-term relationships, these factors may also influence victims to remain in abusive situations:

Isolation
Abusers often criticize or behave badly toward their victims' friends and families, making it difficult for victims to maintain any relationships other than their relationships with their abusers.

Financial Dependence
Victims may believe they cannot support themselves and their children without their abusive partners' help. Also, abusers routinely control access to money, and prevent victims from holding jobs or getting job training.

Personal Values
Cultural and family beliefs often place a high value on being in a marriage or relationship. Some victims also may hold religious beliefs that disapprove of or forbid divorce. Other victims may remain in violent relationships for fear that divorce or separation with be psychologically harmful to their children.